Halloween One-Liners

'Tis the season for black (and orange) humor, so for all you pun-loving folk out there, here are some Halloween one-liners I've culled from various online sources.


From cavernsofblood.com:

Q: What does a cannibal get when he comes home late for dinner?
A: The cold shoulder.

Q: What do you do when fifty zombies surround your home?
A: Hope it's Halloween.

Q: Why did the cyclops have to close his school?
A: He only had one pupil.

Q: What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin pi.


From theholidayspot.com:

Q: Why do witches use brooms to fly?
A: Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy.

Q: Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
A: No, they eat the fingers separately.

Q: Why do vampires need mouthwash?
A: They have bat breath.


From halloween.com:

Q: What do you call two spiders that just got married?
A: Newlywebbed.

Q: Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party?
A: He had no body to dance with.

Q: Why did the headless horseman go into business?
A: Because he wanted to get ahead in life.

Q: What does the devil keep between his legs?
A: Great balls of fire.

Q: Why don't mummies go on vacation?
A: They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.


From jokesabouthalloween.net:

Top Signs You're Too Old To Trick or Treat...

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew your candy for you.

8. You ask for high-fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask," and you're not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens, you yell "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.