[The twelfth installment of the month-long poetry sequence that began on October 1st.]
"Dope Fiend"
Steve Varney
For two years Jenna Yalinsky and me had been waiting tables together,
And for two years I'd been pestering her for one measly date.
I could tell she kinda liked me, but she wasn't keen on my side job--
She'd had an uncle who o.d.'d on some bad shit when she was a kid.
Finally, though, I wore her down, and she agreed to go out with me.
I just had to promise her that I was done dealin' for good.
Desperate to separate her from her panties, I solemnly swore,
And it was nearly the truth; my last order of business was to liquidate.
I called up my old buddy Gollum and asked him to buy me out,
Offered him the whole works at rock bottom price.
That night I was driving along Oak Road towards his farm when
The monster darted outta the woods and was mesmerized by my headlights.
Damn thing was so ugly, it made Gollum McCullum look like a prom king.
I had enough time to brake, but like an ass I jerked the wheel
And drove straight off the road into one of its namesake trees.
Eventually Sheriff Pfister found me, broken-nosed and comatose,
With my front teeth scattered on the dashboard like a pair o' dice.
Worse, he found my baggies-stuffed duffel lying in the passenger seat.
So now I have a date in county court scheduled for next month,
And none with Jenna Yalinsky ever again.
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