Tuesday, April 16, 2013

QuickList: Crypt Keeper Wit

Hello, boils and ghouls.  Today's post pays tribute to the wonder-fully rotten Crypt Keeper, underground host of HBO's Tales from the Crypt.  The series was a gallery for gallows humor, as the putrescent presenter spewed sinister alliteration and morbid puns punctuated by that shrill, nails-down-a-blackboard cackle.  Here's a QuickList of the Crypt Keeper's best lines from the show's first season:

Well, it just goes to show you--be very careful what you "axe" for for Christmas; you just might get it.
--outro to the episode "And All Through the House"

'Though "Dying for Dollars" could've been a popular game show.  They could've put it between "Wheel of Misfortune" and "The Newly Dead Game"...unless they buried it in the wrong time slot.
--outro to the episode "Dig That Cat...He's Real Gone"

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fearest of them all? [Crypt Keeper's visage cracks a looking glass]
--intro to the episode "Only Sin Deep"

So plump up that coffin pillow, and settle back your bones; we're going to take a little ride to honeymoon hell.
--intro to the episode "Lover Come Hack to Me"

Before I get to tonight's terror tale, I'd like to introduce you to my pet: Peeved. [shot of a mortified dog]  He has a terror tale of his own.
--intro to the episode "Collection Complete"

I pitched them my idea for Tales from the Crypt, or as I like to call it, "Monsterpiece Theatre."  And they went for it--hook, line, and sinker.  We made a deal with HBO, the six of us, and it was so hack-citing, I actually got scared for a moment--I thought my heart had started.
--"Crypt Keeper's History of Season One" (special feature, The Complete First Season DVD set)

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