Monday, July 8, 2013

QuickList: Cryptkeeper Wit (Season Two)

[For the Cryptkeeper's best lines from Season One, click here.]

Some more bone mots from the host who puts the dead in deadpan...

Tonight I've chosen a fiendish little tale from my hold of moldy oldies.  We've been invited to an anniversary celebration of holy deadlock.  You know: to love and to perish, for richer or horror, in sickness and in stealth, 'til death do us part.  This is one anni-versary the husband will never forget.
--intro to the episode "Three's a Crowd"

[reading Playdead, which has a scantily clad cadaver posed on its cover]  Oops. Looks like you caught the old Cryptkeeper checking out one of his ghoullie magazines.
--intro to the episode "The Thing from the Grave"

Contents: one ventriloquist's dummy...Hacme Novelty Company, Battle Shriek, Michigan.  Oh, goody.  Watch this, kiddies.  You won't see my lips move.  You know why? I don't have any!
--intro to the episode "The Ventriloquist's Dummy"

Poor Donald, you can't really blame him.  He was only trying to give his marriage a shot in the arm--and in the leg, and in the head!
--outro to the episode "Judy, You're Not Yourself Today"

Cryptkeeper here, kiddies.  And speaking of kiddies, tonight's sickening saga should be subtitled 'A Tale from the Crib.'  Yes, dear fans, I've got a real nursery crime for you this time.
--intro to the episode "Lower Berth"

Well, maggot-meisters, how's that for a cheeky little tale?  Frank sure picked a deadly time to sever all thighs with his [Siamese twin] brother.  And poor Eddie suffered the unkindest cut of all--a real split personality!
--outro to the episode "My Brother's Keeper"

Well that's all for now, kiddies.  As one cow said to the other as they headed off to slaughter, 'Till next we meat!'
--outro to the episode "The Secret"

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